December 6th, 2009 
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Can someone edit my short poem?
My first poem and the first stanza has to be filled with similies and metaphors and the second is filled with ACTIVE verbs revealing how I will Protect my dad. btw it’s for my 10th grade english class
The Incredible Dad
His hair is silver like chain around my neck,
With dark eyes like the cocoa in my cup.
His arms are two pillars of support,
yet as huggable as a massive teddy bear.
His heart is a truffle filled with Jesus and – tender love for me.
HIs vigilant actions provide his family’s need-s,
They resemble the actions soldiers make in
Iraq this very second.
With words as outspoken as a politician
Yet as gentle as a Daddy’s Lullaby
He depicts a hero
I cherish my last name
I esteem the privleges given to me
as a result of the hard work put in.
If one curses his name,
I will stand and protect him
Just as he has shielded me throughout the years.
You start out beautifully – your rhythm is great and your images are wonderful. Then you lose your flow. Let’s see what we can do to fix it.
OK – I will cut and paste- changes will be in parenthesis ..
His hair is silver like chain around my neck,
With (eyes dark) like the cocoa in my cup.
His arms are two (strong) pillars of support,
yet (take out as)huggable as a massive teddy bear.
His heart is a truffle filled with Jesus
(and tender love for me.)
HIs vigilant actions provide his family’s needs,
(Like the soldiers in Iraq right now)
(His) words as outspoken as (politicians)
Yet as gentle as a Daddy’s Lullaby
He (will always be my) hero
I cherish my last name
I esteem the privleges given to me
as a result of the hard work put in.
If (someone) one curses (or abuses) his name,
I will stand (at his side) and protect him
(Take out just) As he has shielded me throughout the years.
Ok that should help. In the future, read your poems aloud before you post them – you will be able to hear the loss of flow) Pax – C.
PS – your line about his heart being a truffle is WORLD CLASS!
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